Madison’s Résumé

Objective: To reduce your life to one page

I’m constantly being badgered by the discontented service members at other bases seeking happiness thru relocation. As open positions are advertised within my current division, these “Desperate Hollywood Housewives” submits their bleak mini résumé hoping my selection would be their freedom from shackles. Two points to make here – 1)I do NOT make the selections, 2)Selection authority resides WAY outside my “tax bracket”. Also I used the term “Housewives” loosely as it applies to both male and female in this case. Anyways, a friend suggested we start a bulletin board, so here goes.

• MSgt ****, I am wondering when you are planning on selecting someone for the position on ****. I would really like the opportunity! (This was the complete résumé…really!!!!)

• MSgt *****, is this job with you guys there in *****? It has you down as a point of contact. I’m very interested in the job and you know I’m ready to get out of the squadron. I’m deployed to the ***** right now till Jan. Hopefully you can put in a good word for me if you guys are actually the ones making the decisions on who gets the position.

• Hi, I am interested in applying for this job. I’m currently working as a shift leader at the **** here at ******. After reading the job description and based on my experiences here I feel that I would be great for this job. My DEROS is March 2012. The RNLTD is only four months away from my DEROS. I have updated my preferences on the **** website, but as this being my first time applying for a job on **** I thought that I would also send an e-mail to the POC’s. Any information would be appreciated. Thank you for your time!

• I recently saw an advertisement on **** for a job opening that involves working with Patient Movement. I recently worked in Aeromedical Evacuation and have an understanding as to what this job might entail. I was hoping you could tell me more specific details about the job and what is required of the person filling this position. I know **** states the only requirement for applying is to click the volunteer button. Is it possible to submit a formal application? I miss the AE world and this sounds like a great opportunity for me to get involved with it again. Please let me know if you have any questions. Thanks and have a great day.

I’ll stop there for now as I plan to start a new thread with just résumés…..

BTW, I’m retiring…no wait…I’m TRANSITIONING and looking for a job. Please feel free to pass my résumé around:

•I know everything.
•I do everything.
•I’m good.
•Your organization will fail without me.
•Hire me!

Run Forrest, Run!!

My brother recently came over to run the Chicago marathon (10/10/10).  Haven’t seen him in over two years and really couldn’t miss the chance.

The drive up to the Windy City was uneventful, except my speedometer decided not to exceed 70 mph.  Drove the entire five hours using my tachometer as my gauge.  I knew running 70 clicks were about 3200 rpms.  A few times I made it to 4000 which I figured was ‘round 80-85.  No biggie…made it without five-O interdiction.

The morning of the race made it to the start line only to see about 4500 peeps gearing to go.  Where’s my track star?  Horn sounded and they took off.  I stood by the side just a-snapping pics hoping catch him somewhere.  Bank of America sponsored the marathon and had a tracker you can ping to see where participants were.  I plug in his bib number and waited.  Nothing!  I decided to make over it to the other marker…except runners were still running by and I couldn’t make it over to the other side of the street.  The first 5 mile or so was a zig zag pattern…north then west then south then west then north, etc…

I ran down to the subway (we call it subway in NY, not sure what Chicago calls it.  So for my story it’s the subway) and crossed over.  Made it to mile 2 and runners were already passing by.  I waited a bit and saw Batman and Batwoman, both in their sixties.  Damn!  He’s getting his ass kicked by the wonder duo on their way to collect social security.  Concluded he already went by.  Ran another stretch looking for another subway entrance.  Finally made it over and…yes…runners were already going by.  I waited a few and saw a Spanish dude in a Chinese takeout box with Wanton written in gold lettering cruising by.  Shit, he getting beat by Jorge’s Sweet and Sour chicken.

Ran down a few more, found subway, made it over.  Yup…late again…  Oh look – Jackie Chang in a red polka dot dress…no shit!!!  My phone buzz.  Message from BofA.  “Time 8:05 runner 5287 is at start”.  Damn…been running and the bastard haven’t even left yet.  Started running back and then it hit me.  It’s  after 9.  The message is an hour late.  Keyed in “WHERE 5287” and received a “You have not registered to track your runner” response.  I surfed over to the BofA site.  “We are temporally updating runners location.  Please check back in two hours.”  I gave up.  Decided to make it back to the finish line.  At least I can see him finish.  I was exhausted.  Stopped by KFC to pick up a drink.  My thirst exceeded a large container.  I need the MEGA cup.  Hell, only a 19 cent difference.  “Steve” from Pakistan handed me the Chicago Mega Upsize version.  The cup…no, the bucket had a handle.  I go wandering off trying to find the finish line carrying four litters of carbonated fizz.  Peeps just a staring at my ass.  Panting as I lit my cig…perspiration streaming down my face…clinching my well water bucket. Doing my part ensuring a smooth water cycle…evaporation, condensation, precipitation, perspiration…

Made it to the finish line and stood there for two hours.  Lou wanted to run the 26 miles in 3:15 to qualify for Boston.  So I waited.  The 3 hour marker came by.  I waited.  The 3:20 marker came by.  Shit!  He didn’t make his time.  I waited.  3:45 marker.  I waited.  4 hour marker.  I’m starting to get concern.  Runners were literally falling over just yards from the finish line.  Temp was up above 80 degrees.

I shot him a text hopping he’ll get it when he pick up his “bag” from the finish line.  “Give me a shout where to meet ya after.”  20 secs a reply came in “im over at the beer tent by the giant Gatorade bottle”.

To cut a long story short, drove five hours, ran 35 miles with my cam in one hand and phone in the other, walked 10 miles with a pail of coke, balanced on a miniature fence holding on to a tree to peak over bystanders, stood 3 hours in the baking sun listening to cow bells ringing in my ears from others,  and when I finally caught up to him, he was on the fifth cup of wheat beer…

He finished 3:29…congrats bro.  I drove back home…five hours…pics of every runner on my cam except for my brother… and with my pail…

OH, in case you’re wondering, Batman, Batwoman, Jackie Chan, and the Sweet and Sour Chicken all finished…

my fortune ???

got a fortune cookie today…cookie

I’m back….

I’ve been gone for awhile defending the Nation with my pen, fighting for liberty with my desktop, and allowing the U.S. citizens the enjoyment of life and liberty, with the means of acquiring and possessing property, and pursuing and obtaining happiness and safety…..whew….I’m tired….

Working on something and hope to post tomorrow night….

Proud Papa

I’ll stray a bit from my yada yada yada and share this with you…

Are you into the St Louis Cardinals but do not know a lot about them?  Then read on to learn about the Cardinals baseball team!  You will learn about all the rules, equipment, and other stuff about baseball specificity while reading.  These are just a few things you will learn in this essay.  Read on to learn more.

The Cardinals have had many fantastic players, managers, and broadcasters.  Next, we all know about Albert Pujols.  If you don’t know who he is, he’s a Cardinal first baseman.  He hits above forty homeruns each year and has won three MVPs and the 2001 Rookie of the Year Award.  Ozzie Smith, who played in the 1980’s, was an unbelievable switch-hitter shortstop.  Ozzie is mostly famous for his flips he did.  Before Ozzie, there was Stan Musial.  He was nicknamed “Stan the Man.”  He was a great hitter who also made the All Star Game more than fifteen times!  Other great players have been Jim Edmonds, Mark McGwire, and more.  The Cardinals have had some unbelievable managers.  The current manager, Tony LaRussa, has been with the Cardinals for fifteen years.  Jack Buck, Joe Buck’s father, was a great broadcaster who was famous for his sayings.  One of them was “Smith corks one into right, it may go, go crazy folks, go crazy it’s a homerun and the Cardinals win,”  when Ozzie Smith hit a walk-off homerun to send the Cards to the 1985 World Series.  In 2002, Jack Buck died of cancer.  These are just few famous Cardinals people.

The Cardinals have had some good luck in the playoffs.  They have ten World Series wins in eighteen attempts.  Their most recent was in 2006.  Closer Adam Wainwright, now a starter, struck out Tigers third baseman Brandon Inge.  The place went crazy.  It was the Cardinals first World Series title since 1982.  Jim Edmonds quotes, “I think we shocked the world!”  It appears to be he was right.  The underdog Cardinals had come from a bad team in April to World Champions in October.  Just two years before that the Cards had lost the 2004 World Series to the Boston Red Sox.  The Red Sox were on fire and managed to sweep the Cardinals in the series.  It was depressing considering the Cardinals never had the lead.  This past year, 2009, the Cards were knocked out of the play-offs.  They had bad pitching, bad fielding, and bad power.  The only good thing was Adam Wainwright’s pitching, which was canceled due to Matt Holiday’s error.  To find out what an error is in the MLB is then read on!

So now you know about the Cardinals.  I’ll teach you about the rules of baseball.  There are 162 games in the regular season.  If a team makes the playoffs the first go to the NLDS or ALDS Series.  NLDS is the National League Divisional Series and the ALDS is the American League Divisional Series.  Then if they win three games in the NLDS or ALDS, then they go on to the NLCS or ALCS.  If they win four games in the Championship Series, then onto the World Series.  At first eight teams are in the playoffs as it narrows down to two teams.  The All-Star game is a game where the best MLB players play in.  The two teams are the National and American League all-stars.  The winner gets home field advantage in the World Series.  The positions of MLB are the catcher, who sits behind the plate, the infielders such as the shortstop, first, second, and third baseman, and the three outfielders, who play deep in the outfield grass.  These are pretty much the basic things to know about baseball.

Did you enjoy reading this?  Now you know everything about the Cardinals.  You can also consider yourself a true fan now.  Thanks for reading.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

As written by an 11 year old who is bless to have creativity DNA.   He sat down in class and wrote this off the cuff…and I typed it as written.  I’m a die-hard Bronx Bombers fan and I still like his story.

Now…if I can just peeled him away from being a Cardinals Historian to study his multiplication tables…

American Idol Underground (DMV Dilemma, Pt Deux)

Noticed I didn’t finish the DMV Dilemma. Without further adieu here’s Part Deux…

The following day, I decided to make my way back down to the Secretary of State. This time checkbook in hand. I had approval to leave work early and decided to leave around 1400 hrs…that’s 2:00 post meridiem. Leaving the parking lot, I stopped to chat with a friend. She was on the passenger side so I rolled my passenger window down a little as it was cold outside. We chat a few seconds and soon departed.

Had my iPhone® cranked and was blasting thru the hi-fi and singing to the tune as the 2003 VW Beetle GL 1.8L Turbo topped out at 35MPH. I secured the steering wheel with my knees freeing my arms to strum on the air guitar. Heading down to the DMV passing two elementary schools on the way. Yellow lights flashing as our future leaders and criminals were getting out of their juvenile penal complex and I slowed down to 20 MPH as required by law. Dropped the volume on the sound system to be vigilant for kids running across the street. A cross-walk guard entered the street and flashed his octagon stop sign and I slowed to a stop. Music still playing at a softer tone while my head was still slamming to the Head-Bangers beat.

As the kids crossed the street, I noticed a few were pointing at me and laughing. A few waved and I returned the friendly gesture. The guard, on the other hand, was frowning. Must be the cold weather. BTW it was cold in the bug. Geez…hope my heater didn’t go out.

Anyways, got down to the DMV and pulled into the parking. As I was turning off the engine, I discovered the reason for the chilly atmosphere in the car. The passenger window was still down about three inches – apparently I didn’t roll it up after chatting with my friend. Oh well…rolled it up and started making my way across the lot to the front door. Then it hit me…that’s why the kids were pointing and laughing. They heard and saw me singing. No biggie, right? Riiiight…only took me a split sec to realize what was blasting outta my pie hole – AC/DC – Big Balls!

Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death

As y’all know, or maybe you don’t, I’m an independent contractor for a local supermarket that caters to an exclusive million.  I bag sundries and in return, the patrons provide a small token of their appreciation in the form of monetary donations.  i.e. working for tips only.

So, we have a new financial officer.  We’ll call her Gwendolyn.  Her task is to ensure items are appropriately scanned and the acceptable cost is chargeable to the customer.  Her tool is an electronic till with an automatic adding machine and a money drawer, exhibiting the amount of the sale while recording the amount of cash received.  Thirteen inch touch screen plasma at her fingertip.  Ok…she’s a cashier

Customer #1 places her produce onto the conveyor belt.  Bag of oranges – no problem. Bar code printed on the bag.  Gwen looks baffled at the oranges trying to determine if they’re navel or something else.  “Hey Gwen?  Scan the bar code.”  “Oh yeah,” she replied.  Beep.  It worked.  Next item.

Gwen holds up the bag and asked customer #1.  “What are these?”

Customer #1, “Garlic.”

“Oh, ok.”

I looked over to my teammate. Hmmm…

Gwen taps the screen looking for the picture of garlic.  I need to remind you that Gwen is new and doesn’t know all the codes for the produce.  She does have a printed list in alphabetical order with the items code, or she can cycle thru the menu on her cash register.  Next item.

Cucumbers – she looks it up.  There it is.  Cool, we’re on a roll now.  No other challenges with customer #1.

Customer #2 – only challenge was the cucumbers.  Again!  Gwen taps the screen, photo displayed, she enter the number of cucumbers.  This time I made sure I noticed the code for the item – 4062.

Customer #3 – cucumbers AGAIN!  Not shitting you.  Three customers in a row with cucumbers.  As Gwen started tapping the screen I said, “It’s 4062.”  BUT she didn’t budge as she tries to find the pic on the cash register.

Customer #4 – Gwen decided to leave the produce till the very end.  Scanning went well with can goods.  Got to the produce.  Yes, folks.  The dreadful cucumber surfaced.  Customer probable thought I was nutz as I kept repeating “four zero six two four zero six two FOUR ZERO SIX TWO!!!!”  BUT Gwen wanted to see the pic herself.  Next item.

“What’s this?” our little produce puzzler asked.

“Avocado,” customer four replied.

I looked at my teammate…again.  She looks at me and shrugs.

Gwen found the item photo on the screen and taps it.  Apple, Red displayed on the screen.  Customer two remarked, “It’s an avocado.”

“I thought you said apple,” Gwen responded.

Customer looks at us amazed.  We smiled.  Transactions completed and customer leaves.  As she departs, I commented, “Enjoy your apple.”  Customer smiled, “Thanks, I will.”

It was a long two hours until Gwen went on her break.  We wish her good luck with her new career.

Being a cashier doesn’t require much talent but an acceptable amount of competency would be nice.  Layman’s proficiency – like telling the difference between apples, oranges, or avocados (in this case.)